iamalexia

Mother

paulaalexia — Sun, 19 Feb 2012 19:10:31 +0000

“A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie.” -Tenneva Jordan

According to a Jewish Proverb “God could not be everywhere and therefore He made mothers.”. No other individual on earth experiences the love, joy, sadness, empathy, sympathy, and every other conceivable emotion that Moms do in the upbringing of their children. Nothing could ever compare to a mother’s love. There are lot of good qualities that my mom have but for sometime i failed to recognize. I love my mom but I hate her sometimes. I had a lot to say thank you for but a lot to say sorry to her too.

My mom is an amazing woman, she’s gone through a lot but she never gave up. I can imagine the sorrow and pain she had the time when Dad shared the love meant just for her to someone. She did not give up on him. Mom held on to God those moments that she was emotionally hurt by Dad. There were so many things she could have done. She could have left and abandoned us. She could have turned inward and feel so sorry for herself. She could have given up, but she didn’t — an epitome of a strong woman and I admire her for that. I had ALWAYS been mom’s little girl, the kid who whines and moans about having a cold, a headache, tummy ache, little scratch, then whines and moans more when given yucky medicine. She had always a way to comfort me. I remember how she use to cuddle me especially when I’m having asthma attacks, the way she managed to make every part of the house safe for my fainting spells, and cleaning me up when I was in such a mess after a nose bleeding-a caring mom and I thank her for that

Mom was always there for every step I made. Watched and cheered competitions, watched and supported me on the lessons and my artworks, watching me walk in the ramps, she had given me the support way greater than I needed, fetching me in school, driving me home. For always believing I am good at certain things, accepting my failures. Always a shoulder to cry on – a supportive mom.

She is my bestfriend, my mentor, my teacher, my counselor, my shock absorber, my financial adviser and a lot more. Everything was well between us two. Mom, thank you so much for always forgiving me despite everything I did to you. I can never repay everything you’ve done and sacrificed for me. Mom, thank you for always being with me . Thank you for not giving up on me in your prayers. Thank you so much mom for taking care of my needs before yours. You have displayed a selfless and humble character that I believe I should also have. I may have failed to tell you that I appreciate your efforts but mom, you should know that I love you.

I felt grateful you are my mom but I realized that you are being over protective, and was starting to control my life. That I felt you are taking my feelings for granted… I wanted you to know I am sorry for putting up a fight. I just wanted you to know that I depend on you but you should also help me decide on my own. I’m still scared right now but please just be there to support my decisions.

Sorry for telling you square in the face that you are a fun-destroyer. Sorry for the guilt feeling and the blame i’ve thrown on you for all the miseries in my life. Sorry for that time I told you how it sucked to be your daughter. I’m sorry I said I wanted you out of my life. Sorry for making you cry mom. You never cried in front of me, though. You would just go inside your room and cry silently. You may not be aware, but my heart got broken and crushed also that night. I’m sorry for being an ungrateful daughter.

I’m so sorry mom.

no words…

paulaalexia — Thu, 16 Feb 2012 08:32:28 +0000

. There is no word for this kind of relationship; two people who don’t see each other, but can make each other effortlessly happy. This is a matter of choice….there may be a lot of guys i know and gals around you, still we choose each other that is thousand of miles away and yet, no regrets about it.

What I know and what other people always tell me is - I have to be mature to have a long distance relationship. Funny thing is, when you get to know me, you’ll know I’m not mature, yet I am in a long distance relationship.

I hate the distance so much. I really wished it wasn’t there. I’d give just about anything to be able to see my boyfriend whenever I wanted. I just still can’t though, and that’s just reality.

Sometimes I have to be careful though, because occasionally I can project my hate of the distance onto him. I get angry and just upset at the fact that he can’t be with me, that he don’t have much time for me and I get mad at him, even though I know it’s not his fault. Then most times there’s the wave of anxiety and paranoia. That even trust is not enought to get rid of it. So, irrational and immature at times but…

You know, I do have my days where I think that being in a long distance relationship sucks and it’s pretty dang horrible. But everytime I got a chance to talk to him, for some reason I’m really happy. Thinking on the ldr tag is making me depressed. So I’m not going to think of it. I’m HAPPY. Who the hell cares if we still can’t see each other in another 2- 5 months?

We know that there is a reason why it has still to be this way…. The man that I’m going to spend my life with is working hard so that he can have enough and we can start our life together. Instead of moping around and wishing I was with him (which I do) I should do something about it and stop my whining.

No matter what, I want you to know I am happy… I am happy that you’ve stayed.

From the day I fell in love with you, it never faded. My love for you didn’t stop, even a single second of my life. It flourished, and became more intense. Our relationship dug deeper, and grew stronger. From then on, I realized that it was you who I want to be with for the rest of my life. I vow to sing my life with you, and to love you. I want to live this world with you, no matter how cruel it is. I want to be your wife, to be your best friend, your partner, your better half; your everything. I vow to be faithful to you, to be honest, and to lower down my pride for our pointless quarrels. I want to establish a family with you; to reach your goals with me. I vow to love you, according to what God said. I won’t leave you at any cost. You know how much I love you, and I will stay in love with you. For more years to come….I LOVE YOU BABY!

L O V E

paulaalexia — Thu, 16 Feb 2012 07:34:11 +0000

How would you define love?

To me, love is being seperated and yet, nothing changes. It’s when you still get those butterfly feelings even after so much time together.

It’s when the other consumes all of your thoughts, everything you do seems to involve him/her somehow.

Love is fighting and being angry, but when it’s all over with, you’ve only grown stronger and nothing has changed.

It’s when all you want is to be with that person, and how they feel and their needs are before your own.

It’s when you would do absolutely anything for that person without expecting the same in return.

Love is being best friends with no secrets between each other.

It’s when you picture your future, they are right there with you.

It’s when the smallest of things can put a smile on your face and be something you’ll always remember.

It’s when you can do absolutely anything with them or around them and are just so comfortable its kinda crazy.

Love is more than sex, its more than constantly telling each other you love each other.

Love is based on friendship, and that is the most important thing of it all.

But most of all, love can’t be defined. It’s something you can just feel and when you try and explain it, you don’t even scrape the surface of how incredible it really is.

needle pricks seems like mosquito bites

paulaalexia — Thu, 16 Feb 2012 05:31:04 +0000

Dang it Dengue!

For few days I had Dengue like symptoms- fever, rashes, headache , diziness, muscle pain and tummy ache . Every bone and muscle hurts and I have had the most pounding headaches, mixed with the worse fever ever. It all started monday night, when out of nowhere i had the most intense fever and chills and went straight to bed. I was brought to St. John Hospital on the eve of February 9 to confirm I have dengue. First of all, bringing me in a hospital is an interesting challenge to my mom and for all those who knows me, i really hate or shall I say fear being there. Luckily my boyfriend had to scare me on things like this one could be fatal… (and this might end up losing me- of course I don’t want that!)
After a lot of waiting, questioning and checking…… there comes the blood testing – I really fear this needle thing … With all the shaking, cold sweats and tears, they got what they need- blood. Mosquitoes bit me and sucked my blood that’s why I’m here and here’s another blood sucking thing … Ouch!!!
Another hour or two of waiting then I was told not only do I have dengue but my blood platelet levels are very low at 80000 they told me the normal (i forgot) but remembered a nurse told me that anything under 150000 is bad. The doctor advised me to be admitted, but I insisted I was better and I have to go again tomorrow morning and do the re test, and hope it’s not any lower.
I was told that there is no cure for this and just have to keep the fever down, stay hydrated and try to eat. My appetite comes and goes but I will force feed myself before being put in the hospital. But there goes mom’s look as if she’s gonna eat me and her words- ALEXIA don’t be too hardheaded! Do you think I could ever sleep with you at home with the idea that anytime something can happen to you?. Before she can utter another word I agreed to be admitted. Whew!
Yep, I got Dengue Fever and let me tell you the last few days have not been fun. I feel like a freight train has hit me over and over. I hate being in the hospital. I hate needles , but with this, i had to be pricked and tested every now and then. I hate this, as if these mosquito and needles have the blood sucked out of me .
Since there is no cure for dengue they gave me Paracetamol to help control my fever and dextrose( another needle prick) for hydration. Everyday since Monday, I wake up with an exploding headache and aching joints.
February 10, I thought i felt better today but mind over matter is not working and dengue is still kicking my ass. I had nose bleeding, mom became panicky, she was told that worst of Dengue and yes, fatal is the Hemorrhagic one. But I told them it’s nothing because nose bleeding is ordinary to me. Still, I have been monitored for other source or any other bleeding that may occur. Blood testing continued, like from 80,000 down to 55, 000. It’s supposed to last anywhere from 5-7 days as they say , so let’s hope this is over soon, because I would really like to get back home!
More than enough fluid intake and the dextrose did really help. It was not until the afternoon of Saturday that my platelet started to rise up. But still, these needle prick is not over yet until It rise up to 105,000 and I was too bored having no network signal in my room, I requested to be sent home. Luckily I was sent home late afternoon of Sunday.

Maps of the Human Heart

paulaalexia — Thu, 16 Feb 2012 04:20:07 +0000

Reblogged from streetsofsalem:

Heart-shaped maps are one thing, but maps of the human heart are quite another, and I’ve got both on this Valentine’s Day. The charting of emotional territory, as opposed to physical space, has resulted in the production of several interesting maps from the seventeenth century to the near-present. Below are the companion Map of the Open Country of a Woman’s Heart and Map of the Fortified Country of a Man’s Heart, ostensibly and anonymously drawn “by a lady” and published by the Kellogg Brothers of …

this is pathetic…

paulaalexia — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 17:36:52 +0000

The most recent thought i had about ending my life was about a month ago. All these months of depression, i was in the verge of doing it but i had full control of my mind and myself. But not until last Sunday afternoon… When I got things wrong… everything wrong.

In the early morning I was awaken by a great fear… Mom tried to give me comfort by taking me out of the scene…. In spite of what happened, I was looking forward for something good that will happen to me at 11:00 am, but no, it did not happen….. After lunch was usual, I was depressed but I had no thoughts of ending my life. Until I got something…..It actually made me feel that I’m losing my life, I’m losing my source of strength and happiness, I’m losing my reason to live.

Then I broke down, I cried, cried harder than I ever done in ages… I was hurt again…. I ran to my bathroom, I’ll try to find comfort in my tub as I always do…. But no, there was something flashing on the floor near my scented candles…it attracted me.

I grabbed that piece of glass and as I held it against my wrist I felt in control. That it would be too easy for me to just end life right there. I mean now no one would care….so I began to slash. There was no pain. I felt ready to have it more deeper but as blood flowed down from my wrist I got scared….I got scared of the blood..I got scared that God wouldn’t forgive me….I thought of mom, dad, I thought of him…

The next thing I did was to grab a clean towel and started to apply pressure on my wrist. I ran to mom and was rushed to this hospital…I started to feel pain, I started to feel shame of what I have done. I was shying away from the gaze of people in there, afraid of the thoughts lurking beneath their head.

Yes, everything was wrong…I had the wrong thought, I had the wrong technique, the wrong point….

That made me realize that cutting is so pathetic…I could just say that it’s the most stupid stuff I’ve ever done.

I really hope that i never feel like ending my life ever again, because there are really lot of reasons i did not really acknowledge then, but i do now like :

1. No matter how bad things are , they can always get better .

2. If no-ones there for you, be there for yourself. as weird as that sounds :\

3. Think of the people/person you love more than anything.

4. Think of those dreams you hope to become reality.

5. Life is beautiful. Well it can be, and its those beautiful things that you find, discover, see & love is what makes life worth it.

we are like parallel lines…

paulaalexia — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 13:54:32 +0000

Two different languages, time zones, continents, and cultures. Sometimes, I am surprised we made it this far….we were the exact opposite of each other. Our simple talks will usually end up to misunderstandings but somehow, we always find some ways to win each other back.

This relationship went from normal distance relationship, to long distance relationship, to medium distance relationship, and soon to long distance relationship again… The distance may suck, but in the time apart, I fall in love with him more and more each and every day. I love thinking about him. He makes me happy. When you love someone, you want to be with him/her whenever you can. But when you can’t be together because of distance and circumstances, you cherish those moments that much more because you don’t know when you’ll see each other.

Yes, since the start of this relationship we wished to see and meet each other. Distance was not much of a problem but most of the times it’s the circumstances. There seem to be a strong unknown force that stops us from being together. Every time things were set for us to meet – something happens. Granny’s sudden death on April, he’s flight home after plan A-E on May, that incident that leads to all these since day 1 of June, the typhoon, Lola Mamang… and so on….Things had not been that easy for us. There was a time that I said, we are like parallel lines….we won’t meet. But there were dad’s words to console- ” Parallel lines may not meet, but they can be close, side-by-side, together.”

We just hold on to believing that someday we will be together… because we’re meant to be together, that’s our fate, our destiny…

the start…

paulaalexia — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 13:51:36 +0000

Nearly 7 months of solitude, I chose to live my life just within the 4 corners of my room..this same room…haunted by the memories of my past. I was in the status wherein I just do things I wanted within the confines of my room, staying depressed, hopeless, hurt, heartbroken, numb, alone, unable to move on…

I was living in the past, and I never used time to heal and move on…

Until that day, and each day after January 31, 2011, my life started to change… That day, this person that barely left my mind since then, came. He had been a part of my daily routine. The first person I had in mind when I wake up and the last person in my mind before I sleep. Every day and night we communicate, we share thoughts, ideas, feelings, etc… Friendship, that was all he had to offer. Both of us were mending broken hearts back then. But those relationships were part of our pasts and we opted not to have much talk about it as much as possible. I had a lot of issues to deal about and he was always there to listen and to give advice. I don’t know but there was a lot I learned to what he have to say. He’s someone that had lot of ideas; ideas he consider silly and stupid most of the times, but for me, they’re actually not. He also had a lot of problems, issues at work that he had to deal with…he opened up. He told me his deepest secrets, painful memories and I was there to listen. I never felt so helpless, I had nothing else to offer him but just staying to listen….. As days passed by, simple thoughts of him automatically made me smile that would be glued to my face for sometime. I couldn’t help but daydream and thought of nothing but school will be over soon so that I can be home and we can again spend time together. Our mobile phones were raining with messages and calls.

In few weeks, feelings grew more intense….thoughts of him, listening to his voice doesn’t just made me smile, my heart keeps on beating fast and I started to feel butterflies in my tummy. Then I started to ask myself, ‘ is this LOVE i’m feeling again?’, if yes, “am I ready for this?’, ‘is he feeling the same?’ and a lot of ’what if’s’….nevertheless, he has to know. ‘I am falling in love to this man!!’. He had the same feelings but he had to use his mind. He also had a lot of questions, hesitations- afraid of being hurt again. A ‘long-distance-network-dependent- relationship?’– will it work? But in spite of all the questions,heart over mind-mind over heart thing, scales of 1-10, doubts, fears, all the ‘what if’s ‘ we could ever think of, we jumped into this so called ‘relationship’.

Yeah, that’s how it all started. A slow then strong intimate harmony had been developed. It’s funny how two people who were hurt by love found another love by accident, how we “wasted” our time with others who didn’t appreciate us or it just didn’t work out. But the awesome part is when you finally understand the universe’s plan and you start making the correct decisions with the correct people. I just knew he is the ONE…..

I just need some time…

paulaalexia — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 11:48:43 +0000

You can never really trust anyone these days, not even yourself. Because no matter how you try to convince yourself that you are going to be okay and that things will work out fine, still, you end up feeling bad and disappointed with yourself.

It’s so hard to be in a situation where you are caught between too many situations, and decisions and then you start losing a part of yourself. .. it seems that you can never make a good decision anymore. Could not decide to go here or there, to do this or that, and so on….

These past 8-9 years of my life had been very stressful for me.

My life used to be so meaningful…I work, I write, I laugh and just do things as I please…I am with my family, I can see my friends anytime I want and I could go out anytime I please… but not when i got into a relationship with someone back home that lot of things changed : i can no longer see and be with my best friends, i rarely decide on my own, i followed most of what he wanted more than i did with my parents..but i thanked God, it was halted.

When I decided to leave home to forget things and stayed in the Philippines, I thought things will work out fine for me…but I was wrong…I was so wrong….. My past had been haunting me… so in this place…I once again felt like a prisoner who hardly even gets the chance to feel the heat of the sun against my skin…My life had become mundane and patterned to the point where I would just be out and back to my room without having to show any kinds of emotion…. here in this same room..

For several years , i lost the ‘fun’ and ‘happy’ part of me….I lost that ‘passionate artist’ and that ‘dreamer’ in me… I lost that ’love to see places’ and that ‘swimmer’ in me……I was in a status where, I just wake up and live everyday just to get it over with…there’s nothing fun or exciting going on in my life then…every morning I wake up, I cry…..I was not like that…I’m a cry baby , yes, but i don’t wake up each day crying when i was younger….but again, i thank God, that was halted.

I have always believed that God has plan for everyone…i also believe in fate and believe that each one is meant for someone….

January 31, 2011: From that day on, my life had changed….My life started to focus on someone. I wake up each morning not crying… I could say that I had my life back..I gained back my smile.. Someone had added meaning to my life….I had reasons to live my life and be happy…. So, from that day on, I often indulge myself to day dreaming, I was back on playing music and started singing my heart out alone or with him just to take away my stress and problems…. but again, that happiness was halted, i did not thank God for this…

God will not give a person a burden that she/ he couldn’t handle… that’s what I know….. but what happened to me made me come to the point that I was able to say that it was wrong… that God was not fair, he gave me something too much to handle. I was at the verge of giving up….unable to hold on, but there was something…Every time I try to go away, take my life away, there’s always something and someone that reminds me I should stay, I know I should be strong…..

But still things are wrong….Holding on– It’s so much easier said than done…

Only few knew my story, what really happened to me. I constantly wonder how my life looks in other peoples eyes. Do they think I have it easy? Do they think I have nothing going for myself? I always try to look as put together as I can, and I guess that’s my way of hiding from the truth. It’s just that way, everyone will assume that everything in my life is okay. That I never go through anything. If only everyone knew how broken I am, and how I’m holding on for dear life on this one last strand that’s recently become very delicate… and sometimes that really scares me.

Sometimes i cry and I don’t even know why I’m crying…..I take the car everyday going to work, looking out the window, watching houses, vacant lots, the passing cars and the pedestrians, I think to myself…what am I doing here? So again, I continue to day dream, I play music in the car, I sing my heart out inside my head hoping that somehow the lively music would bring life into my dying eyes…I have lost that glow, I have lost that spark…slowly I am losing that glitter in my eyes…even the sweet and genuine smile has turned into a bitter and plastered grin…

As days go by, I see myself changing…I am becoming more ignorant, more scared, starting to lose hope…

The first few months had been alright, i had the drive to stay stronger, to face things… that was until I started feeling fatigue…I am getting drained, my mind is getting tired while my body seems to have grown numb from all the things I have been through….I often cried in this room, i often drown myself in my tub, i often hide under my blanket….. for no apparent reason I cry . When I walk into other places outside of my room… I had to put back on my mask just to make people around me think that I am fine when in truth I am getting drained….

There were even lot of times when I felt like taking my life…thanks to God for giving me a better understanding and my parents for the values they gave me, somehow i was able to think straight…..

These past weeks added much to my stress….Being left alone, being uninformed, taking my chances to spend time with my grand ma for the few days left in her life….

As of now, I am slowly running out of patience, running out of happiness and running out of sanity…I am slowly running out of strength, running out of hope and running out of tears…

I wonder if I will find something that would keep me inspired to continue living, to continue smiling, to continue fighting and continue believing that everything will be alright…I wonder if I will slowly get back everything I have lost…

I still have that small hope left in me…that things will somehow be better for me..that somehow I would come out of this situation and maybe laugh about this in the future…. I just need time..

I still wish to have that drive to continue dreaming and live life to the fullest and not just simply watch it fly by…..

I still wish to laugh out loud geuinely…

I still wish to smile sincerely…

I still wish to cry of happiness…

I still wish to regain that missing part of me…

I still wish to be me again…

I just wish i will have time…

I just need some time….

your choice…

paulaalexia — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 10:24:33 +0000

Image by danielito311 via Flickr

Virginity is something most women hold special. I was brought up by my parents, especially my mom, with good values. I was taught that staying “pure” or a virgin was important, not just because of my Christian upbringing but also because of other repercussions; psychologically, physically, mentally, spiritually and sociologically.

Even at this modern age, no matter how sophisticated, how open and how vulgar the world is, there are still lot people (be it a guy or a gal) that holds on and promise to “give it” after marriage. What drove me to write this post are those words…” i will give it to you” …. Virginity which is hold dear, is something to be given away. Something that is given to that someone who you feel deserve it whenever you are ready , and that is for some, after marriage.

Yes, others wait for so long for someone to give it to them… and other’s waited for so long for someone to give it to. It’s sad though for some… it was taken away from them…

Everyone has a first time. But when you’re on the “giving” side of it , you would imagine there are few things to consider or be paranoid or anxious about, why should sex have consequences? Well, because it does. Whether you wait until marriage or you don’t, sex has consequences, they can be good or bad. – you can get an STD, you can enhance your relationship with your partner, there are body changes when you have sex whether you believe or not, and you can have an unexpected pregnancy. That feels already like a weirdly heavy dose of responsibility. But what’s to stop people from doing it? Provided they are of appropriate age and get along well and all that.

No one should be judged on the decision of whether or not they wait for sex. Women and men should not be judged at all.

If men and women are being promiscuous then men and women are being promiscuous. Men are not cool or more manly, women are not sluts or less feminine.

I just think that purity does have it’s benefits, whether we chose a life that adhere to that or chose not to…it is our choice to make…

your choice to make, not mine.