iamalexia











{09/12/2011}   my thoughts and my words that were unspoken

Two years ago, on this same date, I accepted your offer of lifetime commitment.  I was supposed to know better.  Before that day,  I  spent almost 6 1/2 years of my life with you waiting for such proposal.   A day prior, we had a great fight, the usual fight on dealing with priorities.  But, when you had to climb up of my window,  I  just couldn’t miss that chance I  had been waiting for….. That day was special,  you had set your priority, a commitment and  I gave you wholeheartedly, the best and the ONLY gift I can give you –  my heart.

 I cannot  remember feeling uncertain or even  terrified  of entering married life with you.  Though I  knew firsthand the hardships I had  being with you the whole boyfriend-girlfriend relationship.  I haven’t learned my lesson from my past  relationships.   And now I am allowing myself to be in a much deeper, much intimate relationship with you…… The answer was right  in front of me,  every time you gave me your time.   Seeing your face and hearing your voice was what made me turn my back on the possibility that you just might be the next heartbreak chapter of my life. I made that jump because I knew we’re in it together.   Ohh,  reality gave me a slap on the face.  Even if you’re still here, we will not be together anymore.
As much as I’d like to just be “okay” with everything concerning what  happened to you and me ,  I can’t help but be sad over the fact that  everything in that 6 1/2 years was  a mess, a relationship full of deceit, more on a one-sided love, and entailed a lot of sacrifices on my part…  it’s not even something that can be called friendship, i was just an ornament….that’s what I realized……if you’re  still here, the reason for our separation isn’t because you died or because you cheated on me.   It’s simpler, you’re not the one for me, I deserve someone better.   I cannot even begin writing about how painful and potentially incapacitating it was waking up each day when i learned about your accident,  it was a shock to know that few days before our marriage you are gone…. but there are more important things. One of those “things” for example, is the TRUTH.This is the truth:  You never loved me  as much as I thought you did.   I have  loved you MORE, but maybe  it wasn’t  enough.  You had to find someone, but still maybe, her love was not that enough too….
This is the reason why this things had happen, so I  can be free.   My  only comfort in my suffering is in knowing that I will always do the right thing for anyone.  No matter how strong my feelings are for you, I  won’t take you, only if i had known better.  Or maybe not!  -It’s my love for you that was  not enough….  Yes, maybe not enough.  If  my love was enough, I would’ve been with you until the last second before you were brought down to the grave.  Maybe, things would’ve been like that.  But, no..it was hatred, it was not love that I  had for you until your last minute on earth….
Today, I was able to speak the thoughts I  have always kept…..and this year,  the best and the ONLY gift I can give you wholeheartedly  to where you are is my unconditional forgiveness.  With it,  I give you my sincere apologies for whatever inconvenience my existence  had also brought you…..
From this point on, I will be nothing but grateful of what  we had and the relationship that we shared, for I  learned a lot.  For after the hurt and the pain I  had from you, someone had found me. Someone that will love me unconditionally, someone who is loyal and true to me, and never will make me feel the hurt and pain I  had from you.    I know from time to time you will be on my mind, only to remind me that i had been strong all this years and now, i continue  to move on.
 I will pray for your soul.    I know you will be a part of my  life forever by being the lesson I will NEVER forget.  I will  now open my heart to life’s endless possibilities……I have forgiven you.  I have let you go. I won’t look back.
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