iamalexia











{23/01/2012}   I just need some time…

You can never really trust anyone these days,  not even yourself.  Because no matter how you  try to convince yourself that you are going to be okay and that things will work out fine, still, you end up feeling bad and disappointed with yourself.

It’s so hard to be in a situation where you are caught between too many situations, and decisions  and then you start losing a part of yourself. .. it seems that you can never make a good decision anymore.  Could not decide to go here or there, to do this or that, and so on….

These past 8-9 years of my life  had been very stressful for me.

My life used to be so meaningful…I work, I write, I laugh and just do things as I please…I am with my family, I can see my friends anytime I want and I could go out anytime I please… but not when i got into a relationship with someone back home that lot of  things changed : i can no longer see and be with my best friends,  i rarely decide on my own, i followed most of what he wanted more than i did with my parents..but i thanked God, it was halted.

When I  decided to leave home to forget things  and stayed in the  Philippines,  I thought things will work out fine for me…but I was wrong…I was so wrong….. My past had been haunting me… so in this place…I once again felt like a prisoner who hardly even gets the chance to feel the heat of the sun against my skin…My life had become mundane and patterned to the point where I would just be out and back to my room  without having to show any kinds of emotion…. here in this same room..

For several years , i lost the  ‘fun’ and ‘happy’ part of me….I lost  that ‘passionate artist’ and that ‘dreamer’ in me… I lost that  ‘love to see places’ and that ‘swimmer’ in me……I was in a status where, I just wake up and live everyday just to get it over with…there’s nothing fun or exciting going on in my life then…every morning I wake up, I cry…..I was not like that…I’m a cry baby , yes, but i don’t wake up each day crying when i was younger….but again, i thank God, that was halted. 

I have always believed that God has plan for everyone…i also believe in fate and believe that each one is meant for someone….

January 31, 2011: From that day on, my life had changed….My life started to focus on someone.  I wake up each morning not crying… I could say that I had my life back..I gained back my smile.. Someone had added meaning to my life….I had reasons to live my life and be happy…. So, from that day on, I often indulge myself to day dreaming, I was back on  playing  music and started singing my heart out alone or with him just to take away my stress and problems…. but again, that happiness was halted, i did not thank God for this…

God will not give a person a burden that she/ he couldn’t handle… that’s what I know….. but what happened to me made me come to the point that I was able to say that it was wrong… that God was not fair, he gave me something too much to handle.  I was at the verge of giving up….unable to hold on, but there was something…Every time I try to go away, take my life away,  there’s always something and someone that reminds me I should stay,  I know I should be strong…..

But still things are wrong….Holding on– It’s so much easier said than done…

Only few knew my story, what really happened to me.  I constantly wonder how my life looks in other peoples eyes.  Do they think I have it easy? Do they think I have nothing going for myself? I always try to look as put together as I can, and I guess that’s my way of hiding from the truth.  It’s just that way, everyone will assume that everything in my life is okay. That I never go through anything.  If only everyone knew how broken I am, and how I’m holding on for dear life on this one last strand that’s recently become very delicate… and sometimes that really scares me.

Sometimes i cry and I don’t even know why I’m crying…..I take the car everyday going to work,  looking out the window, watching houses, vacant lots, the passing cars and the pedestrians, I think to myself…what am I doing here? So again, I continue to day dream,  I play music in the car,  I sing my heart out inside my head hoping that somehow the lively music would bring life into my dying eyes…I have lost that glow, I have lost that spark…slowly I am losing that glitter in my eyes…even the sweet and genuine smile has turned into a bitter and plastered grin…

As days go by, I see myself changing…I am becoming more ignorant, more scared, starting to lose hope…

The first few months had been alright, i had the drive to stay stronger, to face things… that was until I started feeling fatigue…I am getting drained, my mind is getting tired while my body seems to have grown numb from all the things I have been through….I often cried in this  room, i often drown myself in my tub, i often hide under my blanket….. for no apparent reason I cry .   When I walk into other places outside of my room… I had to  put back on my mask just to make people around me think that I am fine when in truth I am getting drained….

There were  even lot of  times when I felt like taking my life…thanks to God for giving me a better understanding and my parents for the values they gave me, somehow i was able to think straight…..

These past weeks added much to my stress….Being left alone, being uninformed, taking my chances to spend time with my grand ma for the few days left in her life….

As of now, I  am slowly running out of patience, running out of happiness and running out of sanity…I am slowly running out of strength, running out of hope and running out of tears…

I wonder if I will find something that would keep me inspired to continue living, to continue smiling, to continue fighting and continue believing that everything will be alright…I wonder if I will slowly get back everything I have lost…

I still have that small hope left in me…that things will somehow be better for me..that somehow I  would come out of this situation and maybe laugh about this in the future…. I just need time..

I still wish to have that drive to continue dreaming and  live life to the fullest and not just simply watch it fly by…..

I still wish to laugh out loud geuinely…

I still  wish to smile sincerely…

I still wish to cry of happiness…

I still wish to regain that missing part of me…

I still wish to be me again…

I just wish i will have time…

I just need some time….

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{15/01/2012}   your choice…
Sex

Image by danielito311 via Flickr

Virginity is something most women hold special.   I was brought up by my parents, especially my mom, with good values. I was taught  that staying “pure” or a virgin was important, not just because of my Christian upbringing but also because of other repercussions; psychologically, physically, mentally, spiritually and sociologically.

Even at this modern age, no matter how sophisticated, how open and how vulgar the world is, there are still lot people (be it a guy or a gal) that holds on and promise to “give it” after marriage.   What drove me to write this post are those words…” i will give it to you” ….  Virginity which is hold dear, is something to be given away.  Something that is given to that someone who you feel deserve it whenever you are ready , and that is for some, after marriage.

Yes, others wait for so long for someone to give it to them… and other’s waited for so long for someone to give it to.   It’s sad though for some… it was taken away from them…

Everyone has a first time.  But when you’re on the “giving” side of it , you would  imagine there are  few things to consider or be paranoid or anxious about, why should sex have consequences?  Well, because it does. Whether you wait until marriage or you don’t, sex has consequences, they can be good or bad. –    you can get an STD, you can enhance your relationship with your partner, there are body changes when you have sex whether you believe or not, and you can have an unexpected pregnancy.   That feels already like a weirdly heavy dose of responsibility.  But what’s to stop people from doing it?  Provided they are of appropriate age and get along well and all that.

No one should be  judged on the decision of whether or not they wait for sex.  Women and men should not be judged at all.

If men and women are being promiscuous then men and women are being promiscuous.  Men are not cool or more manly,  women are not sluts or less feminine.

I just think that  purity does have it’s benefits, whether we chose a life that adhere to that or  chose not to…it is our choice to make…

your choice to make, not mine.



{11/01/2012}   again..

You  just did it again….And again it put me so down.

My thoughts, my emotions had been battling…..  I feel alone, broken, dirty, hopeless, useless, worthless, a failure, a burden, yes, a weakling.  I so hate myself for all those.   This afternoon was bad.    I don’t have the energy to talk to anybody…but I  had to run to you for comfort…..

I haven’t wanted to talk to anyone ….  but you..for comfort…

I hate this feeling!  Feeling like I’m trapped in a dark box by myself and I just can’t get out and your words are just  pushing me more  inwards.  Your words seem to tell that my thoughts and feelings were right.  As if you want me to box it all up, keep it up to myself and not supposed to have feelings..

I’m trying ….

I want to feel like, for once, I can actually do something right; like I’m actually doing whatever it is I’m trying to accomplish… I don’t want to talk, but i have ideas.   I’m tired  feeling  like I’m weak on everything,  like I’m never going to get anything right,  like i cannot decide on my own… I just, for once in my life, make me feel like I’m worth something.  I’m tired of feeling like I’m a failure; I can’t do it anymore.  It’s not that easy for me… not easy…

Help me..



{10/01/2012}   on my own

 



{09/01/2012}   choice…

I really wonder why people suddenly change when they get what they wanted.

One day they are sweet, the next day they are not.  One day they are here, the next day they are not.  One day you are so important then the next day you are worthless…

One day they say “I Love You”, the next day they wouldn’t care about you.

That’s how ironic things and people can be… Pretty sh*ts, pretty lies, pretty f**ked up.  But it is still your choice….. my choice….

‘coz i chose to get HURT, when i chose to be IN LOVE..

 



“Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die.”  –Mary Elizabeth Frye

at times when i feel so depressed, so alone, stressed… giving up ..i think of death….

others might think it’s being a coward, but no! we do fear death, it’s a natural fear that consumes us all. We fear death because we feel that we haven’t loved well enough or loved at all, which ultimately are one and the same….

so facing death is facing your fear…..

You Monsters Are People.

I’m going to make a guest list for my funeral, that way people I don’t want to show up can’t waltz in and pretend to have been my friend or some long lost family member.  Normally, I don’t believe in the the velvet rope but I have to make an exception in this case.  There are just some people you don’t want to give the satisfaction of seeing your corpse before they remove the bones so they can be bleached, dressed in a top hat and and posed at the entrance of your children’s daycare center.

And, since it is a well known fact that I’d like to be consumed at my wake or (at the very least) have my ashes smoked by my inner circle, there isn’t enough to go around for every random person that shows up.  There might not be enough to go around anyway.  Hoards of people you…

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{01/01/2012}   forever..

 



et cetera