{01/02/2012}   this is pathetic…

The most recent thought i had about ending my life was about a month ago.  All these months of depression, i was in the verge of doing it but  i had  full control of my mind and myself.   But not until last  Sunday afternoon… When I got things wrong… everything wrong.

In the early morning I was awaken by a great  fear…                                                               Mom tried to give me comfort by taking me out of the scene….                                   In spite of  what happened,  I was looking forward for something good that will happen to me at 11:00 am, but no, it did not happen…..                                                 After lunch was usual, I was depressed but  I had no thoughts of ending my life. Until I got something…..It actually made me feel that I’m losing my life, I’m losing my source of strength and happiness, I’m losing my reason to live.

Then I broke down, I cried, cried harder than I ever done in ages… I was hurt again…. I ran to my bathroom,  I’ll try to find comfort in my tub as I always do….  But no, there was something flashing on the floor near my  scented candles…it attracted  me.

I grabbed that piece of glass and as I held it against my wrist I felt in control.   That it would be  too easy for me to  just end life right there.  I mean now no one would care….so I began to slash.   There was no pain.   I felt ready to have it more deeper but  as blood flowed down from my  wrist I got scared….I got scared of the blood..I got scared that God wouldn’t forgive me….I thought of  mom, dad, I thought of  him…

The next thing I did was to grab a clean towel and started to apply pressure on my wrist.  I ran to mom and was rushed to this hospital…I started to feel pain, I started to feel shame of what I have done.  I was shying away from the gaze of people in there, afraid of the thoughts lurking beneath their head.

Yes, everything was wrong…I had the wrong thought, I had the wrong technique, the wrong point….

That made me realize that cutting is so pathetic…I could just say that it’s the most  stupid stuff I’ve ever done.

I  really hope that i never feel like ending my life ever again, because there are really lot of reasons i did not really acknowledge then,  but i do now  like :

1. No matter how bad things are , they can always get better .

2. If no-ones there for you, be there for yourself. as weird as that sounds :\

3. Think of the people/person you love more than anything.

4. Think of those dreams you hope to become reality.

5. Life is beautiful.  Well it can be,  and its those beautiful things that you find, discover, see  &  love is what makes life worth it.


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