iamalexia











{15/03/2012}   .

One day at a time.

“This is enough.  Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone;  and do not be troubled about the future for it has not yet come.  Live in the present and make it so beautiful, it will be worth remembering.”



{13/03/2012}   my words

For me, words mean a lot more than actions.

To me,  the words you say,   you said them because you thought of it, you felt it  and you want to share it with me.  Every word you utter  contains an emotion,  an energy.   It is either an encouragement or discouragement.
With words,  you do not have to guess over and over again,  what it could have meant.
I cherish every word that each person has spoken to me.  They are inspiring, magical, and together, they paint a beautiful picture that can warm the heart.

For you,  however…actions means more.  Words mean nothing to you.

That is our difference. The things I do and did not do,  is what hurts you most.   But the things you said and failed to say,  are those that  hurts me the most too.

I’m sorry for the things I never did.  But my apologies would not  mean anything to you,  because they’re only just words.  But the words I uttered comes from my innermost being.  The truth within me, the fear, the love, the hatred, everything,  I said  because those are what I really felt.

Actions of people around me gave me so much pain.   Some would just pretend to do things but deep inside…. that is not how they feel.   He  showed me and tried to prove me he wanted me,  by what?  Forcing himself to me?! Actions that brought me into this misery!

Funny thing though, people that hurt me  never did anything to apologize to me.   Guess they just did not think they did  something wrong to me.



{12/03/2012}   i’m into it ag…

i’m into it again……..



{12/03/2012}   ……



{12/03/2012}  

“Some choices are made for ourselves in life. And some we make for other people. Not because we don’t love them but because we do. The only way we know its right is if it lets us stay true to ourselves. But we can’t regret our choices. The past is behind us. All we have is the present. And the future. Whatever that may bring.”

What is it in the future? Life can be unfair sometimes but that’s no reason for giving up on it. That’s what i believe…..

You were giving me hope…but when you lose hope…

i lose hope…….



{12/03/2012}   when H O P E is…

when H O P E is gone

………

………….

…………………..

………………………..

………………………………….

………………………………………….then……….

there’s …………………………………………………………….N O N E….



{11/03/2012}   ….

Depression is overrated.

There I said it.   I know for a fact that I am not the only sad human being in this world. I think sometimes the mere feeling of sadness even just a hint of sadness, makes people think that they already are depressed. I am not saying that I am proud to be depressed to be honest I can’t wait to get better.

These past years, when i’m depressed, aside from singing and listening to music, I blog.   My blog’s purpose is to make me feel better, it’s like having someone to talk to, you know?

Depression, in a strange way makes you disabled. I know that, that may seem weird and unlikely but it’s the sad truth. It takes the life out of you, the love, the hope, and the faith. It leaves you empty and numb, and to be honest that is the worst feeling, to not be able to feel anything at all.

I’d rather be sad and angry all the time than to be numb. This is probably why I hurt myself on purpose sometimes, don’t get me wrong, i don’t usually cut.   I just starve myself.    For other people, yes, they cut.   The pain that you feel, the blood that comes out of the cut that you make, it almost seems like it drains all the numbness and pain away.   This is  the sad truth that a few of us go through. Depression keeps you up all night.  This is hard, very hard, to command your body to sleep and rest but you’re mind just won’t comply, it keeps you up for days.   For me this the hardest part, Insomnia. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve cried just because I wanted to sleep so bad,  but I just can’t do it.

And while I am still awake, thoughts just keep coming that makes me more depressed.  I don’t want to resort to my pills for I will take more than what is needed.  I don’t want to be in my tub, for i feel like drowning myself… I will just write, I just hope that things will be much better after this.  I will try to listen to a good music after this.

I want to feel better.



{11/03/2012}   my room

My room is like a tomb

A holding place for things long forgotten,

Or so I had hoped.

As I step into the room I can feel the sadness drenched in the walls

I can feel the memories flood back to me like a tsunami hitting the shore.

There is a weight, a weight that may never be removed.

It slows me down almost to a stop.

There is too much of the past

Too many memories; too many emotions

The cross above my bed remind me of the times I cried for help,

The times I prayed for forgiveness

The vanity mirror, the face that looks back at me is from a time long ago

A time when I looked into it with tears streaming

A time when I looked myself in the eyes and told myself to hold it together

That I can make it and I will show them that I am worth it

The books jumbled across my floor remind me of the only escape I could find

The only place I truly belonged

And the bed

The bed reminds me of the times I wanted to melt right into it

To disappear from this world

A time where I used it to muffle my sobs of sadness and pain

And all the times I shut myself off trying to escape the screams

This room is a tomb,

A trap for me, by me.

-thesearchforhappiness-



{01/03/2012}  

http://youtu.be/BirclTYVh74

tears kept on flowing….

          my heart was melting…   with your words, with the lyrics…

“Please listen to the lyrics. Its my words to you.

I meant it every word of that song

From my deepest heart… I would express the same with the lyrics of the song ”

*********

Maybe I didn’t treat you
Quite as good as I should have
Maybe I didn’t love you
Quite as often as I could have
Little things I should’ve said and done
I just never took the time

But you were always on my mind
You were always on my mind

Maybe I didn’t hold you
All those lonely, lonely times
I guess I never told you
That I am so happy that you’re mine
If I made you feel second best
I’m so sorry I was blind

But you were always on my mind
You were always on my mind

Tell me, tell me that your sweet love hasn’t died
Give me, give me one more chance
To keep you satisfied
I’ll keep you satisfied

Little things I should have said and done
I just never took the time
But you were always on my mind
You were always on my mind…

  —Thank you.  I love you baby —



{01/03/2012}   treasure every moment

Image

If we can love someone so much, how will we be able to handle it the day when we are separated for long periods of time?

Being separated is part of life and I’m sure all of us has experienced separation at some point. Is it possible that we can love someone and never be afraid of losing them?

Distance never separates two hearts that really care, for memories span the miles and in seconds we are there. Just make sure there are enough memories to fill them in, because whenever I start feeling sad when I miss you, I remind myself how lucky I am to have someone so special to miss, and the oceans and continents that separate us will never overcome the kind of bond that we have; one that transcends all logic and crosses borders not visible to the naked eye 😉

So dear reader, you’d be so lucky If you have the privilege of being with that special someone everyday! Never forget to make them feel valued and loved. When you feel that your relationship is getting too routine or ordinary, remember the hearts who have to endure years of separation from each other, and try to treasure every moment you are together ♥

 

–thanks to Karl To for this–



et cetera