{14/04/2012}   a re-post from a victim

I see rape jokes on a blog site.

Why do people  think rape is something to joke about?

Stop and think of the person raped.

Do you even know what that feels like?

You feel disgusting, you feel used, you feel dirty.

Sometimes you even feel like it’s your fault.

Sometimes you feel like life is not even worth living anymore.

Sometimes you end up pregnant.

You never knew how it feels being threatened and harassed by rapist’s friends and family. You never knew the feeling of being laughed at, exposed and being called a liar.

Keeping  feelings,  inconsistencies,  emotional build up a secret serves most victims  good.   Although it is unhealthy,  and it would only serve to further degrade  existence further than even waking up with a guy inside one’s vagina that YOU DID NOT give consent for.   It is still the victims choice whether to keep it a secret.  To choose the persons she wanted to open up.

And why on blogs?    Because, awkwardly enough, there  had  been more support and friendship and clarity from people  you have  never even  met through  blogs than those you have had in real life.   And on top of that-  you have the option to cover up your identity as most people do.

F*cking think before you post on a joke or even talk about the person herself…


{10/04/2012}   it’s better…
 Yes, i guess it’s better.

To be numb, than in pain.

It’s better to not feel anything.

It’s better to not care.

It’s better to not love.

It’s better to not miss.

It’s better to not reminisce.

It’s better to not wish.

it’s better not to dream.

It’s better not to hope.

It’s better to not believe.

It’s better to be numb.

Feel nothing.

{11/03/2012}   ….

Depression is overrated.

There I said it.   I know for a fact that I am not the only sad human being in this world. I think sometimes the mere feeling of sadness even just a hint of sadness, makes people think that they already are depressed. I am not saying that I am proud to be depressed to be honest I can’t wait to get better.

These past years, when i’m depressed, aside from singing and listening to music, I blog.   My blog’s purpose is to make me feel better, it’s like having someone to talk to, you know?

Depression, in a strange way makes you disabled. I know that, that may seem weird and unlikely but it’s the sad truth. It takes the life out of you, the love, the hope, and the faith. It leaves you empty and numb, and to be honest that is the worst feeling, to not be able to feel anything at all.

I’d rather be sad and angry all the time than to be numb. This is probably why I hurt myself on purpose sometimes, don’t get me wrong, i don’t usually cut.   I just starve myself.    For other people, yes, they cut.   The pain that you feel, the blood that comes out of the cut that you make, it almost seems like it drains all the numbness and pain away.   This is  the sad truth that a few of us go through. Depression keeps you up all night.  This is hard, very hard, to command your body to sleep and rest but you’re mind just won’t comply, it keeps you up for days.   For me this the hardest part, Insomnia. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve cried just because I wanted to sleep so bad,  but I just can’t do it.

And while I am still awake, thoughts just keep coming that makes me more depressed.  I don’t want to resort to my pills for I will take more than what is needed.  I don’t want to be in my tub, for i feel like drowning myself… I will just write, I just hope that things will be much better after this.  I will try to listen to a good music after this.

I want to feel better.

{15/01/2012}   your choice…

Image by danielito311 via Flickr

Virginity is something most women hold special.   I was brought up by my parents, especially my mom, with good values. I was taught  that staying “pure” or a virgin was important, not just because of my Christian upbringing but also because of other repercussions; psychologically, physically, mentally, spiritually and sociologically.

Even at this modern age, no matter how sophisticated, how open and how vulgar the world is, there are still lot people (be it a guy or a gal) that holds on and promise to “give it” after marriage.   What drove me to write this post are those words…” i will give it to you” ….  Virginity which is hold dear, is something to be given away.  Something that is given to that someone who you feel deserve it whenever you are ready , and that is for some, after marriage.

Yes, others wait for so long for someone to give it to them… and other’s waited for so long for someone to give it to.   It’s sad though for some… it was taken away from them…

Everyone has a first time.  But when you’re on the “giving” side of it , you would  imagine there are  few things to consider or be paranoid or anxious about, why should sex have consequences?  Well, because it does. Whether you wait until marriage or you don’t, sex has consequences, they can be good or bad. –    you can get an STD, you can enhance your relationship with your partner, there are body changes when you have sex whether you believe or not, and you can have an unexpected pregnancy.   That feels already like a weirdly heavy dose of responsibility.  But what’s to stop people from doing it?  Provided they are of appropriate age and get along well and all that.

No one should be  judged on the decision of whether or not they wait for sex.  Women and men should not be judged at all.

If men and women are being promiscuous then men and women are being promiscuous.  Men are not cool or more manly,  women are not sluts or less feminine.

I just think that  purity does have it’s benefits, whether we chose a life that adhere to that or  chose not to…it is our choice to make…

your choice to make, not mine.

{10/01/2012}   on my own


{12/12/2011}   happy (?)

i’m happy and i think it’s truth. Then i am sad and say, no, THIS is truth.

i see things simply and say it is truth,then see them complicated and say that MUST be truth.

But if truth always lies somewhere in the median,

if i am as a fully honest person both somewhat sad and somewhat happy,

and if reality is both simple and complicated,

how can i ever really discern truth?

My mind is built for polarities.

A series of contradictions with no compromise, no middle ground, no peace.

if i want happiness and fear sadness,want simplicity and fear complexity, then i am

equally biased towards both ends.

My moral compass is guiding me in circles while insisting it is on a straight path, and i

am as lost as if i were to give up and sit in the dark until i died.

So the only thing that remain that is truly true is the irresponsible, irrational, relentless

impulse to continue forward in search of light. While a small part of me remains utterly

and consistently convinced that no matter how many times i cross the same landmarks along the path

and no matter how hungry the darkness grows, there is light, just up ahead,

if only i strive for it.

Two years ago, on this same date, I accepted your offer of lifetime commitment.  I was supposed to know better.  Before that day,  I  spent almost 6 1/2 years of my life with you waiting for such proposal.   A day prior, we had a great fight, the usual fight on dealing with priorities.  But, when you had to climb up of my window,  I  just couldn’t miss that chance I  had been waiting for….. That day was special,  you had set your priority, a commitment and  I gave you wholeheartedly, the best and the ONLY gift I can give you –  my heart.

 I cannot  remember feeling uncertain or even  terrified  of entering married life with you.  Though I  knew firsthand the hardships I had  being with you the whole boyfriend-girlfriend relationship.  I haven’t learned my lesson from my past  relationships.   And now I am allowing myself to be in a much deeper, much intimate relationship with you…… The answer was right  in front of me,  every time you gave me your time.   Seeing your face and hearing your voice was what made me turn my back on the possibility that you just might be the next heartbreak chapter of my life. I made that jump because I knew we’re in it together.   Ohh,  reality gave me a slap on the face.  Even if you’re still here, we will not be together anymore.
As much as I’d like to just be “okay” with everything concerning what  happened to you and me ,  I can’t help but be sad over the fact that  everything in that 6 1/2 years was  a mess, a relationship full of deceit, more on a one-sided love, and entailed a lot of sacrifices on my part…  it’s not even something that can be called friendship, i was just an ornament….that’s what I realized……if you’re  still here, the reason for our separation isn’t because you died or because you cheated on me.   It’s simpler, you’re not the one for me, I deserve someone better.   I cannot even begin writing about how painful and potentially incapacitating it was waking up each day when i learned about your accident,  it was a shock to know that few days before our marriage you are gone…. but there are more important things. One of those “things” for example, is the TRUTH.This is the truth:  You never loved me  as much as I thought you did.   I have  loved you MORE, but maybe  it wasn’t  enough.  You had to find someone, but still maybe, her love was not that enough too….
This is the reason why this things had happen, so I  can be free.   My  only comfort in my suffering is in knowing that I will always do the right thing for anyone.  No matter how strong my feelings are for you, I  won’t take you, only if i had known better.  Or maybe not!  -It’s my love for you that was  not enough….  Yes, maybe not enough.  If  my love was enough, I would’ve been with you until the last second before you were brought down to the grave.  Maybe, things would’ve been like that.  But, no..it was hatred, it was not love that I  had for you until your last minute on earth….
Today, I was able to speak the thoughts I  have always kept…..and this year,  the best and the ONLY gift I can give you wholeheartedly  to where you are is my unconditional forgiveness.  With it,  I give you my sincere apologies for whatever inconvenience my existence  had also brought you…..
From this point on, I will be nothing but grateful of what  we had and the relationship that we shared, for I  learned a lot.  For after the hurt and the pain I  had from you, someone had found me. Someone that will love me unconditionally, someone who is loyal and true to me, and never will make me feel the hurt and pain I  had from you.    I know from time to time you will be on my mind, only to remind me that i had been strong all this years and now, i continue  to move on.
 I will pray for your soul.    I know you will be a part of my  life forever by being the lesson I will NEVER forget.  I will  now open my heart to life’s endless possibilities……I have forgiven you.  I have let you go. I won’t look back.

The only way I can describe anxiety attacks is like the world flips over on you. My lungs feel like they’re compressing. Then, my heart began to race. My heart starts beating rapidly, like it’s about to pop out of my chest. The harsh “pins & needles” feel when it’s the only sensation going through my body,and my stomach started to turn. My head throbs and I start to hyperventilate. I’ll cry and sob and not be able to breathe for the life of me. I’ve sat in a bathtub contemplating sticking my head under the water just to stop the wracking gasps and sobs. In that moment, everything that could be wrong is wrong and no one could possibly listen or care. There’s nothing that can comfort me in that moment. No soothing words, warm hugs, or loving kisses. It’s a feeling of being utterly alone, because no one can stop the panic but me, but I’m always too busy crying in a corner waiting to die from it.That fear and sadness will kill me if I can’t control it.  Sometimes, everything is perfect and I’m so freakishly happy and I laugh and smile and talk way too much. But other times, I can’t even imagine why anyone would ever be friends with me. The concept is completely and utterly inconceivable.  But I’m trying to get better. And I will.

et cetera