True Love

It took me almost a day to think about what to say…. How often does one decide that he/she have actually fallen in love with another?   What is the emotional trigger within oneself that decides that he/she will do everything humanly possible to make sure the other person is happy? For some it is instantaneous, for others it takes time but for everyone, once they have fallen in love, it is a realisation that there is no one thing in the entire universe that you want more than that other person.

I will fall in love again at the right time… but this time, i want someone who will do anything to make me happy. Because I would definitely do anything for him.  I want to be the only person he wants to talk to each day, because he will probably be the only person I would ever want to really talk to anyways. I want someone who wants me just as much as I want him, or maybe even just a little bit more.  I want to have someone totally exclusive To be committed.  I do not want to have to compete with other people. I do not want to have to prove myself for him to pick me. I should not have to be an option. I want someone who puts in as much effort into being with me. Someone who will meet me halfway.  Someone who will stay up late talking to me, even though we are both dead tired…but still. Someone who will make me feel i am different from anyone else… that I am special.  That I am not just another person being added on into his life  and someone he will just forget and let go with the blink of an eye. Someone who will be here for me in my time of need, to comfort me,  for support, for security, in times of joy, trouble and pain. Someone who will help make our relationship work and last.Not just make promises but keeps it…. Will show me that love is not cliche,  it is not a joke. Someone who will prove to me that True Love is REAL.

I know that people do not decide to fall in love. It just happens. I never decided to fall in love… It just happened before. How? I don’t know.  What I know is someday the right person will come. I will again fall in love…. and I know when that right person comes…I am ready.

“When you fall in love, stay in love & make it the reason to live”


{05/06/2012}   surviving a heartbreak
Before my recent break-up with a “guy” I was with for (almost) 15  months, I had to recover from the pains of a bitter separation with the “guy” I was in love with for (almost) seven years.  Like a lot of people probably would, I thought moving on from recent Ex would be a breeze considering everything that I went through after my previous Ex , but it wasn’t as easy as I expected.   It’s not that hard either.  For one,  I’m seven years smarter, tougher, and more mature.  Also,  I have an understanding of  why we had this relationship anyway,  I have a pretty clear idea of why I’m here,  what I aspire to become, and how I’d like my life to be.   I guess I’m finally realizing my true worth as a person and unlike before,  I don’t let other people determine that for me.   I have learned to love myself first by not letting my love for another consume me.

I’ve gone through something so hurtful  more than enough and I’d spare the rest of the planet from this kind of misery if I could,  but I can’t.  What I can only do is be the hand that holds a brokenhearted in his/her reading.  Having had “only”  four  break-ups  in my entire existence does not make me an expert, but I’m sharing a few of the countless things I  have read, i have learned and did in the years that I’ve been dealing with this kind of drama anyway.

Who knows?   I might  just be able to save a life, make a person understand how beautiful life is…..make one life more meaningful and continue moving on towards reaching her/his dreams.   Kudos to a dear friend who made me realize that my recent Ex is not worth my taking my life, even a tear… so now, i am moving on…again.

1)     As in any list, PUT GOD FIRST.    Pain can do all sorts of things to you- from doing things that you may regret, to forgetting the best way to deal with it.  Praying is not only communicating with God.  It is also a means of introspection wherein you confront yourself with your own thoughts, feelings, and actions.  It allows for an opportunity to work towards an unbiased conclusion as to how and why the separation happened.  Slowly but surely, you will understand that God is and will always be in control. No matter what you’re going through and whatever else happens, you are and will never be alone. You could lose a hundred lovers, but you won’t lose Him.

2)     After a heartbreak,  give your heart a break….  Let your feelings die a natural death.  If you bury them alive, they will inch their way up their graves and haunt you.    I don’t know about other people, but settling for a “rebound person” will only give you more problems.   You already have one.     Deal with it first.   I know of a person who came from one bitter break-up and ended up with five in one year.   As for my recent one, I came to soon to his life, only to find out that he has not moved out from his past heartbreak and i was his  “rebound person”…..  also things ended too soon.  Give yourself ample time to heal before you jump into anything.   When true love finally comes, it will be best if you are available on all aspects so you can have a stress-free relationship without the potential complications your cluttered history might cause.   The same goes for drugs, alcohol, and other diversions that can “divert” you to darker places of “break-up darkness”.   If you are currently in this kind of situation,  take this:  It’s better to lose someone else than to lose yourself.    In fact,  losing someone you have lost yourself into gives you a chance to find yourself again.

3)     Focus on moving on,  move forward, one day at a time.  Sniff your way to happiness….. After you’ve extracted yourself from a relationship that is proven to be beyond repair, use your “alone time” wisely.  Give yourself a chance to be angry and depressed for a short while, then switch off the “mope” button.  Do not engage in activities that will pull you back into the pit- like going to places you used to frequent as a couple, listening to your theme song all night, or stalking him/her.   Deal with change. Find something you love to do.  Anything artistic can help create you, create a new identity and even let go of someone you love.  Discover new things and be excited about what God has in store for you.  Be productive.  Spend time with your loved ones.  Find a way to be genuinely happy by yourself, so that you won’t have to be dependent on other people for your own happiness.

4)     Learn how to love without “owning”.   This ain’t easy, but it ain’t that hard either.   We have to recognize a way of loving freely, unconditionally, and without expectations.  If you want to reach out to your ex for closure and/or reconciliation, look inside your heart first. What do you really want to happen? Do you want to move on for good, or do you just want things back to how they were? Remember that the relationship ended because of how things were. Don’t start playing with fire if you don’t want to be burned- again. Know that you don’t have to “own” someone to love them because in reality, you can’t own anyone. Stop being miserable, lift up your loneliness to God, and set the object of your affection free. Eventually, you’ll be free from the emotions you had for that person and you’ll be given what is due you- the love and the kind of relationship you’ve been waiting for all your life.

5)     Look back with a smile. If you lose something bad, would you feel sad?  The reason why you feel “bluer than blue” after a break-up is because you know that you’ve lost something good. Your relationship may not have worked out, but it’s not like it was a colossal waste of time. Never regret something that made you happy. Allow one good memory to ease the pain, then let go and look forward to making new ones. Be thankful for the time you spent with that person, for the things that you’ve learned, and for the love that you shared. Gratefulness is an awesome cure for bitterness and sadness. It is also a sign of maturity. When you are grateful regardless of the pain that you’re feeling, forgiving is easier, healing is hastened, and before you know it, your heart is as good as new. After all, every relationship that ended wrongly will lead you to the right one.

A good friend of mine once said that each break-up is different. The intensity of pain that you felt with each separation, and the speed of your “recovery” are not measures of how deeply you felt for each person you were with. Your state of being at the time of your break-up is a huge determinant on how well you’ll pull through, so work on that. It all depends on your general outlook on life, your attitude, your will to move on, and your faith. I must admit that the road to recovery wasn’t that smooth…. but that’s okay.  I’m okay.  I figured that as long as you’re dead set on moving forward, you’ll manage to keep yourself on the track. Always believe that God had planned a wonderful love life for you. Wish your ex/exes well and you will be well. Eventually, all will be well and we live happily ever after – with or without a lover.

You look at me and
I can see the feeling’s gone
What happened to the dream
We planned our future on

You turn away and try to say
What we both know
But, baby, I can’t let you go
Let you go away

‘Cause I don’t wanna lose your love
I don’t wanna be the one
Who’s broken hearted
Don’t take the only love
I’ve ever known
I don’t wanna lose your love
How could you go and stop
What we have started
Baby, I don’t wanna be alone

I try to hide the hurt inside
So plain to see
I never could keep secrets
From you anyway

So hard to face, I can’t erase
The thought of you
Baby, won’t you change your mind
Change your mind and stay

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/c/crystal_gayle/#share

{27/04/2012}   saying goodbye….

Saying goodbye…

takes many forms, from the seemingly insignificant “see you later” to the gut-wrenching realization that someone who made an imprint on your life has vanished forever…

Most of the time, goodbye is said with our words but not with our heart.   We end a relationship by trying to make it clear that we no longer want what once was, but no matter how sure we are of our decision, we still fall victim to the triggers that entice us to to rekindle a hello.   It can be a song, a voice, a chance encounter, a memory, a dream.   It may only last an instant or it may overwhelm our thoughts for awhile, but we find ourselves blocking out the reasons why the goodbye was needed, blocking out the hurt, blocking out the reality, blocking out the finality of the goodbye….

I never look forward for such moment… I dread it, tried to avoid it as much as possible because I am afraid of being hurt, because I have gone through a lot of it.  And yes, most of those times I was not ready.   They left, every one left, you left…….

I cried….

Tired of being left…

Tired of hearing goodbyes…

It’s time to do the leaving….

{14/04/2012}   The concept of Privacy

I  am not sure some people get the concept of privacy.    Recently,  I learned that the person so close to me, the person I trusted to protect me, the person I entrusted with my whole life which is, well, relatively sensitive.  My life is so  FILLED with sensitive information.

I’m not sure if it was that apparent to him.   Why do you ask that I assume this? He  had the nerve to expose part of this sensitive life to his  friend,  whom I am not acquainted with,  nor  do I like to be acquainted very much at all.  On top of this,  my feelings, my fear of thoughts on others head,  the way I look down to myself  had not been considered.   This is a piss-off to me.

{11/04/2012}   i’m not here

Of course everyone acts like I don’t mean a damn thing to them.  Well that’s cool.   Seriously, why say you will be there if you aren’t gonna be there? Honestly,  just take me out of your life if  you’re just gonna leave behind and ignore me.  Are all this trying to teach me to be alone because thats what it seems like to me?

Being ignored, I’m not here, I don’t exist, I’m not good enough, don’t bother with me, no don’t talk to me, don’t hear me, I’m not here, I’m not here, I’m not here, I’m not here, I’m not here, I’m not here, I’M DEAD!

{10/04/2012}   So numb

Endless numbness.  When you actually feel, it’s almost unreal.  It is only only a drop of artificially flavored happiness, sadness.  I don’t want to die like I used to, but  still don’t have so much a reason to live.  The kind of just waiting to slip back into depression or rise into happiness.

I am numb and just waiting, waiting – will i die or will i live?

When you’re in this numb thing,   you  can’t tell whether this or depression is better.  Because either way, you  are not happy.

But when you’re numb, you have absolutely no grip on your feelings. you can’t say, i’m crying because of this, this is how i feel and this is why.

When you’re numb, you have no explanations.

Maybe i am dead.

{10/04/2012}   …..

thank you to the song and the singer…..

I need love, love to ease my mind,
I need to find, find someone to call mine,
But mama said you can’t hurry love,
No you just have to wait,
She said love don’t come easy,
It’s a game of give and take.
You can’t hurry love,
No, you just have to wait,
You gotta trust, give it time,
No matter how long it takes;
But how many heartaches must I stand
Before I find a love to let me live again.
Right now the only thing that keeps me hanging on,
When I feel my strength, yeah, it’s almost gone,
I remember mama said,

You can’t hurry love,
No you just have to wait,
She said love don’t come easy,
It’s a game of give and take.
How long must I wait how much more can I take,
Before loneliness will ’cause my heart, heart to break?
No, I can’t bear to live my life alone.
I grow impatient for a love to call my own,
But when I feel that I, I can’t go on,
These precious words keeps me hanging on,
I remember mama said,

Can’t hurry love,
No you just have to wait,
She said love don’t come easy,
it’s a game of give and take.

You can’t hurry love,
No you just have to wait,
She said love don’t come easy,
It’s a game of give and take
No matter how long it takes.

No love, love don’t come easy,
But I keep on waiting, anticipating for that
Soft voice to talk to me at night,
For some tender arms to hold me tight.
I keep waiting; I keep on waiting,
But it ain’t easy, it ain’t easy when mama said

You can’t hurry love no,
You just have to wait,
She said trust, give it time
No matter how long it takes.

You can’t hurry love
You just have to wait,
She said love don’t come easy
It’s a game of give and take.

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  • Promise Me! (noushinzora.wordpress.com)

{11/03/2012}   my room

My room is like a tomb

A holding place for things long forgotten,

Or so I had hoped.

As I step into the room I can feel the sadness drenched in the walls

I can feel the memories flood back to me like a tsunami hitting the shore.

There is a weight, a weight that may never be removed.

It slows me down almost to a stop.

There is too much of the past

Too many memories; too many emotions

The cross above my bed remind me of the times I cried for help,

The times I prayed for forgiveness

The vanity mirror, the face that looks back at me is from a time long ago

A time when I looked into it with tears streaming

A time when I looked myself in the eyes and told myself to hold it together

That I can make it and I will show them that I am worth it

The books jumbled across my floor remind me of the only escape I could find

The only place I truly belonged

And the bed

The bed reminds me of the times I wanted to melt right into it

To disappear from this world

A time where I used it to muffle my sobs of sadness and pain

And all the times I shut myself off trying to escape the screams

This room is a tomb,

A trap for me, by me.


{01/03/2012}   treasure every moment


If we can love someone so much, how will we be able to handle it the day when we are separated for long periods of time?

Being separated is part of life and I’m sure all of us has experienced separation at some point. Is it possible that we can love someone and never be afraid of losing them?

Distance never separates two hearts that really care, for memories span the miles and in seconds we are there. Just make sure there are enough memories to fill them in, because whenever I start feeling sad when I miss you, I remind myself how lucky I am to have someone so special to miss, and the oceans and continents that separate us will never overcome the kind of bond that we have; one that transcends all logic and crosses borders not visible to the naked eye 😉

So dear reader, you’d be so lucky If you have the privilege of being with that special someone everyday! Never forget to make them feel valued and loved. When you feel that your relationship is getting too routine or ordinary, remember the hearts who have to endure years of separation from each other, and try to treasure every moment you are together ♥


–thanks to Karl To for this–

et cetera