iamalexia











You look at me and
I can see the feeling’s gone
What happened to the dream
We planned our future on

You turn away and try to say
What we both know
But, baby, I can’t let you go
Let you go away

[CHORUS]
‘Cause I don’t wanna lose your love
I don’t wanna be the one
Who’s broken hearted
Don’t take the only love
I’ve ever known
I don’t wanna lose your love
How could you go and stop
What we have started
Baby, I don’t wanna be alone

I try to hide the hurt inside
So plain to see
I never could keep secrets
From you anyway

So hard to face, I can’t erase
The thought of you
Baby, won’t you change your mind
Change your mind and stay

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/c/crystal_gayle/#share

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{27/04/2012}   saying goodbye….

Saying goodbye…

takes many forms, from the seemingly insignificant “see you later” to the gut-wrenching realization that someone who made an imprint on your life has vanished forever…

Most of the time, goodbye is said with our words but not with our heart.   We end a relationship by trying to make it clear that we no longer want what once was, but no matter how sure we are of our decision, we still fall victim to the triggers that entice us to to rekindle a hello.   It can be a song, a voice, a chance encounter, a memory, a dream.   It may only last an instant or it may overwhelm our thoughts for awhile, but we find ourselves blocking out the reasons why the goodbye was needed, blocking out the hurt, blocking out the reality, blocking out the finality of the goodbye….

I never look forward for such moment… I dread it, tried to avoid it as much as possible because I am afraid of being hurt, because I have gone through a lot of it.  And yes, most of those times I was not ready.   They left, every one left, you left…….

I cried….

Tired of being left…

Tired of hearing goodbyes…

It’s time to do the leaving….



{15/02/2012}   L O V E

How would you define love?

To me, love is being seperated and yet, nothing changes. It’s when you still get those butterfly feelings even after so much time together.

It’s when the other consumes all of your thoughts, everything you do seems to involve him/her somehow.

 Love is fighting and being angry, but when it’s all over with, you’ve only grown stronger and nothing has changed.

It’s when all you want is to be with that person, and how they feel and their needs are before your own.

 It’s when you would do absolutely anything for that person without expecting the same in return.

Love is being best friends with no secrets between each other.

It’s when you picture your future, they are right there with you.

It’s when the smallest of things can put a smile on your face and be something you’ll always remember.

 It’s when you can do absolutely anything with them or around them and are just so comfortable its kinda crazy.

Love is more than sex, its more than constantly telling each other you love each other. 

Love is based on friendship, and that is the most important thing of it all.

But most of all, love can’t be defined. It’s something you can just feel and when you try and explain it, you don’t even scrape the surface of how incredible it really is.



{15/01/2012}   your choice…
Sex

Image by danielito311 via Flickr

Virginity is something most women hold special.   I was brought up by my parents, especially my mom, with good values. I was taught  that staying “pure” or a virgin was important, not just because of my Christian upbringing but also because of other repercussions; psychologically, physically, mentally, spiritually and sociologically.

Even at this modern age, no matter how sophisticated, how open and how vulgar the world is, there are still lot people (be it a guy or a gal) that holds on and promise to “give it” after marriage.   What drove me to write this post are those words…” i will give it to you” ….  Virginity which is hold dear, is something to be given away.  Something that is given to that someone who you feel deserve it whenever you are ready , and that is for some, after marriage.

Yes, others wait for so long for someone to give it to them… and other’s waited for so long for someone to give it to.   It’s sad though for some… it was taken away from them…

Everyone has a first time.  But when you’re on the “giving” side of it , you would  imagine there are  few things to consider or be paranoid or anxious about, why should sex have consequences?  Well, because it does. Whether you wait until marriage or you don’t, sex has consequences, they can be good or bad. –    you can get an STD, you can enhance your relationship with your partner, there are body changes when you have sex whether you believe or not, and you can have an unexpected pregnancy.   That feels already like a weirdly heavy dose of responsibility.  But what’s to stop people from doing it?  Provided they are of appropriate age and get along well and all that.

No one should be  judged on the decision of whether or not they wait for sex.  Women and men should not be judged at all.

If men and women are being promiscuous then men and women are being promiscuous.  Men are not cool or more manly,  women are not sluts or less feminine.

I just think that  purity does have it’s benefits, whether we chose a life that adhere to that or  chose not to…it is our choice to make…

your choice to make, not mine.



Two years ago, on this same date, I accepted your offer of lifetime commitment.  I was supposed to know better.  Before that day,  I  spent almost 6 1/2 years of my life with you waiting for such proposal.   A day prior, we had a great fight, the usual fight on dealing with priorities.  But, when you had to climb up of my window,  I  just couldn’t miss that chance I  had been waiting for….. That day was special,  you had set your priority, a commitment and  I gave you wholeheartedly, the best and the ONLY gift I can give you –  my heart.

 I cannot  remember feeling uncertain or even  terrified  of entering married life with you.  Though I  knew firsthand the hardships I had  being with you the whole boyfriend-girlfriend relationship.  I haven’t learned my lesson from my past  relationships.   And now I am allowing myself to be in a much deeper, much intimate relationship with you…… The answer was right  in front of me,  every time you gave me your time.   Seeing your face and hearing your voice was what made me turn my back on the possibility that you just might be the next heartbreak chapter of my life. I made that jump because I knew we’re in it together.   Ohh,  reality gave me a slap on the face.  Even if you’re still here, we will not be together anymore.
As much as I’d like to just be “okay” with everything concerning what  happened to you and me ,  I can’t help but be sad over the fact that  everything in that 6 1/2 years was  a mess, a relationship full of deceit, more on a one-sided love, and entailed a lot of sacrifices on my part…  it’s not even something that can be called friendship, i was just an ornament….that’s what I realized……if you’re  still here, the reason for our separation isn’t because you died or because you cheated on me.   It’s simpler, you’re not the one for me, I deserve someone better.   I cannot even begin writing about how painful and potentially incapacitating it was waking up each day when i learned about your accident,  it was a shock to know that few days before our marriage you are gone…. but there are more important things. One of those “things” for example, is the TRUTH.This is the truth:  You never loved me  as much as I thought you did.   I have  loved you MORE, but maybe  it wasn’t  enough.  You had to find someone, but still maybe, her love was not that enough too….
This is the reason why this things had happen, so I  can be free.   My  only comfort in my suffering is in knowing that I will always do the right thing for anyone.  No matter how strong my feelings are for you, I  won’t take you, only if i had known better.  Or maybe not!  -It’s my love for you that was  not enough….  Yes, maybe not enough.  If  my love was enough, I would’ve been with you until the last second before you were brought down to the grave.  Maybe, things would’ve been like that.  But, no..it was hatred, it was not love that I  had for you until your last minute on earth….
Today, I was able to speak the thoughts I  have always kept…..and this year,  the best and the ONLY gift I can give you wholeheartedly  to where you are is my unconditional forgiveness.  With it,  I give you my sincere apologies for whatever inconvenience my existence  had also brought you…..
From this point on, I will be nothing but grateful of what  we had and the relationship that we shared, for I  learned a lot.  For after the hurt and the pain I  had from you, someone had found me. Someone that will love me unconditionally, someone who is loyal and true to me, and never will make me feel the hurt and pain I  had from you.    I know from time to time you will be on my mind, only to remind me that i had been strong all this years and now, i continue  to move on.
 I will pray for your soul.    I know you will be a part of my  life forever by being the lesson I will NEVER forget.  I will  now open my heart to life’s endless possibilities……I have forgiven you.  I have let you go. I won’t look back.


et cetera