True Love

It took me almost a day to think about what to say…. How often does one decide that he/she have actually fallen in love with another?   What is the emotional trigger within oneself that decides that he/she will do everything humanly possible to make sure the other person is happy? For some it is instantaneous, for others it takes time but for everyone, once they have fallen in love, it is a realisation that there is no one thing in the entire universe that you want more than that other person.

I will fall in love again at the right time… but this time, i want someone who will do anything to make me happy. Because I would definitely do anything for him.  I want to be the only person he wants to talk to each day, because he will probably be the only person I would ever want to really talk to anyways. I want someone who wants me just as much as I want him, or maybe even just a little bit more.  I want to have someone totally exclusive To be committed.  I do not want to have to compete with other people. I do not want to have to prove myself for him to pick me. I should not have to be an option. I want someone who puts in as much effort into being with me. Someone who will meet me halfway.  Someone who will stay up late talking to me, even though we are both dead tired…but still. Someone who will make me feel i am different from anyone else… that I am special.  That I am not just another person being added on into his life  and someone he will just forget and let go with the blink of an eye. Someone who will be here for me in my time of need, to comfort me,  for support, for security, in times of joy, trouble and pain. Someone who will help make our relationship work and last.Not just make promises but keeps it…. Will show me that love is not cliche,  it is not a joke. Someone who will prove to me that True Love is REAL.

I know that people do not decide to fall in love. It just happens. I never decided to fall in love… It just happened before. How? I don’t know.  What I know is someday the right person will come. I will again fall in love…. and I know when that right person comes…I am ready.

“When you fall in love, stay in love & make it the reason to live”


{05/06/2012}   surviving a heartbreak
Before my recent break-up with a “guy” I was with for (almost) 15  months, I had to recover from the pains of a bitter separation with the “guy” I was in love with for (almost) seven years.  Like a lot of people probably would, I thought moving on from recent Ex would be a breeze considering everything that I went through after my previous Ex , but it wasn’t as easy as I expected.   It’s not that hard either.  For one,  I’m seven years smarter, tougher, and more mature.  Also,  I have an understanding of  why we had this relationship anyway,  I have a pretty clear idea of why I’m here,  what I aspire to become, and how I’d like my life to be.   I guess I’m finally realizing my true worth as a person and unlike before,  I don’t let other people determine that for me.   I have learned to love myself first by not letting my love for another consume me.

I’ve gone through something so hurtful  more than enough and I’d spare the rest of the planet from this kind of misery if I could,  but I can’t.  What I can only do is be the hand that holds a brokenhearted in his/her reading.  Having had “only”  four  break-ups  in my entire existence does not make me an expert, but I’m sharing a few of the countless things I  have read, i have learned and did in the years that I’ve been dealing with this kind of drama anyway.

Who knows?   I might  just be able to save a life, make a person understand how beautiful life is…..make one life more meaningful and continue moving on towards reaching her/his dreams.   Kudos to a dear friend who made me realize that my recent Ex is not worth my taking my life, even a tear… so now, i am moving on…again.

1)     As in any list, PUT GOD FIRST.    Pain can do all sorts of things to you- from doing things that you may regret, to forgetting the best way to deal with it.  Praying is not only communicating with God.  It is also a means of introspection wherein you confront yourself with your own thoughts, feelings, and actions.  It allows for an opportunity to work towards an unbiased conclusion as to how and why the separation happened.  Slowly but surely, you will understand that God is and will always be in control. No matter what you’re going through and whatever else happens, you are and will never be alone. You could lose a hundred lovers, but you won’t lose Him.

2)     After a heartbreak,  give your heart a break….  Let your feelings die a natural death.  If you bury them alive, they will inch their way up their graves and haunt you.    I don’t know about other people, but settling for a “rebound person” will only give you more problems.   You already have one.     Deal with it first.   I know of a person who came from one bitter break-up and ended up with five in one year.   As for my recent one, I came to soon to his life, only to find out that he has not moved out from his past heartbreak and i was his  “rebound person”…..  also things ended too soon.  Give yourself ample time to heal before you jump into anything.   When true love finally comes, it will be best if you are available on all aspects so you can have a stress-free relationship without the potential complications your cluttered history might cause.   The same goes for drugs, alcohol, and other diversions that can “divert” you to darker places of “break-up darkness”.   If you are currently in this kind of situation,  take this:  It’s better to lose someone else than to lose yourself.    In fact,  losing someone you have lost yourself into gives you a chance to find yourself again.

3)     Focus on moving on,  move forward, one day at a time.  Sniff your way to happiness….. After you’ve extracted yourself from a relationship that is proven to be beyond repair, use your “alone time” wisely.  Give yourself a chance to be angry and depressed for a short while, then switch off the “mope” button.  Do not engage in activities that will pull you back into the pit- like going to places you used to frequent as a couple, listening to your theme song all night, or stalking him/her.   Deal with change. Find something you love to do.  Anything artistic can help create you, create a new identity and even let go of someone you love.  Discover new things and be excited about what God has in store for you.  Be productive.  Spend time with your loved ones.  Find a way to be genuinely happy by yourself, so that you won’t have to be dependent on other people for your own happiness.

4)     Learn how to love without “owning”.   This ain’t easy, but it ain’t that hard either.   We have to recognize a way of loving freely, unconditionally, and without expectations.  If you want to reach out to your ex for closure and/or reconciliation, look inside your heart first. What do you really want to happen? Do you want to move on for good, or do you just want things back to how they were? Remember that the relationship ended because of how things were. Don’t start playing with fire if you don’t want to be burned- again. Know that you don’t have to “own” someone to love them because in reality, you can’t own anyone. Stop being miserable, lift up your loneliness to God, and set the object of your affection free. Eventually, you’ll be free from the emotions you had for that person and you’ll be given what is due you- the love and the kind of relationship you’ve been waiting for all your life.

5)     Look back with a smile. If you lose something bad, would you feel sad?  The reason why you feel “bluer than blue” after a break-up is because you know that you’ve lost something good. Your relationship may not have worked out, but it’s not like it was a colossal waste of time. Never regret something that made you happy. Allow one good memory to ease the pain, then let go and look forward to making new ones. Be thankful for the time you spent with that person, for the things that you’ve learned, and for the love that you shared. Gratefulness is an awesome cure for bitterness and sadness. It is also a sign of maturity. When you are grateful regardless of the pain that you’re feeling, forgiving is easier, healing is hastened, and before you know it, your heart is as good as new. After all, every relationship that ended wrongly will lead you to the right one.

A good friend of mine once said that each break-up is different. The intensity of pain that you felt with each separation, and the speed of your “recovery” are not measures of how deeply you felt for each person you were with. Your state of being at the time of your break-up is a huge determinant on how well you’ll pull through, so work on that. It all depends on your general outlook on life, your attitude, your will to move on, and your faith. I must admit that the road to recovery wasn’t that smooth…. but that’s okay.  I’m okay.  I figured that as long as you’re dead set on moving forward, you’ll manage to keep yourself on the track. Always believe that God had planned a wonderful love life for you. Wish your ex/exes well and you will be well. Eventually, all will be well and we live happily ever after – with or without a lover.

{10/04/2012}   …..

thank you to the song and the singer…..

I need love, love to ease my mind,
I need to find, find someone to call mine,
But mama said you can’t hurry love,
No you just have to wait,
She said love don’t come easy,
It’s a game of give and take.
You can’t hurry love,
No, you just have to wait,
You gotta trust, give it time,
No matter how long it takes;
But how many heartaches must I stand
Before I find a love to let me live again.
Right now the only thing that keeps me hanging on,
When I feel my strength, yeah, it’s almost gone,
I remember mama said,

You can’t hurry love,
No you just have to wait,
She said love don’t come easy,
It’s a game of give and take.
How long must I wait how much more can I take,
Before loneliness will ’cause my heart, heart to break?
No, I can’t bear to live my life alone.
I grow impatient for a love to call my own,
But when I feel that I, I can’t go on,
These precious words keeps me hanging on,
I remember mama said,

Can’t hurry love,
No you just have to wait,
She said love don’t come easy,
it’s a game of give and take.

You can’t hurry love,
No you just have to wait,
She said love don’t come easy,
It’s a game of give and take
No matter how long it takes.

No love, love don’t come easy,
But I keep on waiting, anticipating for that
Soft voice to talk to me at night,
For some tender arms to hold me tight.
I keep waiting; I keep on waiting,
But it ain’t easy, it ain’t easy when mama said

You can’t hurry love no,
You just have to wait,
She said trust, give it time
No matter how long it takes.

You can’t hurry love
You just have to wait,
She said love don’t come easy
It’s a game of give and take.

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{16/02/2012}   no words…

. There is no word for this kind of relationship; two people who don’t see each other,  but can make each other effortlessly happy.  This is a matter of choice….there may be a lot of guys i know and gals around you, still we choose each other that is thousand of miles away and yet, no regrets about it.

What I know and what other people always tell me is – I have to be mature to have a long distance relationship.  Funny thing is, when you get to know me, you’ll know I’m not mature, yet I am in a long distance relationship.

I hate the distance so much.  I really wished it wasn’t there.  I’d give just about anything to be able to see my boyfriend whenever I wanted.  I just still can’t though, and that’s just reality.

Sometimes I have to be careful though, because occasionally I can project my hate of the distance onto him.  I get angry and just upset at the fact that he can’t be with me, that he don’t have much time for me and I get mad at him, even though I know it’s not his fault.  Then most times there’s the wave of anxiety and paranoia.  That even trust is not enought to get rid of it.  So, irrational and immature at times but…

You know,  I do have my days where I think that being in a long distance relationship sucks and it’s pretty dang horrible.    But everytime I got a chance to talk to him, for some reason I’m really happy.   Thinking  on the ldr tag is making me depressed.    So I’m not going to think of  it.   I’m HAPPY.   Who the hell cares if  we still can’t see each other in another 2- 5 months?

We  know that there is a reason why it has still to be this way….                           The man that I’m going to spend my life with is working hard so that he can have enough  and we can start our life together. Instead of moping around and wishing I was with him (which I do) I should do something about it and stop my whining.

No matter what, I want you to know I am happy… I am happy that you’ve stayed.

From the day I fell in love with you, it never faded.   My love for you didn’t stop, even a single second of my life.  It flourished, and became more intense. Our relationship dug deeper, and grew stronger. From then on, I realized that it was you who I want to be with for the rest of my life. I vow to sing my life with you, and to love you. I want to live this world with you, no matter how cruel it is.  I want to be your wife, to be your best friend, your partner, your better half;  your everything.  I vow to be faithful to you, to be honest, and to lower down my pride for our pointless quarrels. I want to establish a family with you;  to reach your goals with me.  I vow to love you, according to what God said.  I won’t leave you at any cost.  You know how much I love you, and I will stay in love with you.   For more years to come….I LOVE YOU BABY!

{15/02/2012}   L O V E

How would you define love?

To me, love is being seperated and yet, nothing changes. It’s when you still get those butterfly feelings even after so much time together.

It’s when the other consumes all of your thoughts, everything you do seems to involve him/her somehow.

 Love is fighting and being angry, but when it’s all over with, you’ve only grown stronger and nothing has changed.

It’s when all you want is to be with that person, and how they feel and their needs are before your own.

 It’s when you would do absolutely anything for that person without expecting the same in return.

Love is being best friends with no secrets between each other.

It’s when you picture your future, they are right there with you.

It’s when the smallest of things can put a smile on your face and be something you’ll always remember.

 It’s when you can do absolutely anything with them or around them and are just so comfortable its kinda crazy.

Love is more than sex, its more than constantly telling each other you love each other. 

Love is based on friendship, and that is the most important thing of it all.

But most of all, love can’t be defined. It’s something you can just feel and when you try and explain it, you don’t even scrape the surface of how incredible it really is.

{01/02/2012}   the start…

Nearly 7 months of solitude, I chose to live my life just within the 4 corners of my room..this same room…haunted by the memories of my past.  I was in the status wherein I just do things I wanted within the confines of my room, staying depressed, hopeless, hurt, heartbroken, numb, alone, unable to move on…

I was living in the past, and I never used time to heal and move on…

Until that day,   and each day after January 31, 2011, my life started to change…  That day, this person that barely left my mind since then, came.   He had been a part of my daily routine. The first person I had in mind when I wake up and the last person in my mind before I sleep. Every day and night we communicate, we share thoughts, ideas, feelings, etc… Friendship, that was all he had to offer.  Both of us were mending broken hearts back then.  But those relationships were part of our pasts and we opted not to have much talk about it as much as possible.  I had a lot of issues to deal about and he was always there to listen and to give advice.   I don’t know but there was a lot I learned to what he have to say.  He’s someone that had lot of ideas;   ideas he consider silly and stupid most of the times, but for me, they’re actually not.   He also had a lot of problems, issues at work that he had to deal with…he opened up.  He told me his deepest secrets, painful memories and I was there to listen.  I never felt so helpless, I had nothing else to offer him but just staying to listen…..  As days passed by, simple thoughts of him automatically made me  smile that would be glued to my face for sometime.  I couldn’t help but daydream and thought of nothing but school will be over soon so that I can be home and we can again spend time together.  Our mobile phones were raining with messages and calls.

In few weeks, feelings grew more intense….thoughts of him, listening to his voice doesn’t just made me smile, my heart keeps on beating fast and I started to feel butterflies in my tummy.   Then I started to ask myself, ‘ is this LOVE i’m feeling again?’, if yes, “am I ready for this?’, ‘is he feeling the same?’ and a lot of  ’what if’s’….nevertheless, he has to know.     ‘I am falling in love to this man!!’.   He had the same feelings but he had to use his mind. He also had a lot of questions, hesitations- afraid of being hurt again.    A ‘long-distance-network-dependent- relationship?’– will it work?   But in spite of all the questions,heart over mind-mind over heart thing, scales of 1-10, doubts, fears, all the ‘what if’s ‘ we could ever think of, we jumped into this so called ‘relationship’.

Yeah, that’s how it all started.  A slow then strong intimate  harmony had been developed.   It’s funny how two people who were hurt by love found another love by accident,  how we “wasted” our time with others who didn’t appreciate us or it just didn’t work out.  But the awesome part is when you finally understand the universe’s plan and you start making the correct decisions with the correct people.   I just knew he is the ONE…..

Two years ago, on this same date, I accepted your offer of lifetime commitment.  I was supposed to know better.  Before that day,  I  spent almost 6 1/2 years of my life with you waiting for such proposal.   A day prior, we had a great fight, the usual fight on dealing with priorities.  But, when you had to climb up of my window,  I  just couldn’t miss that chance I  had been waiting for….. That day was special,  you had set your priority, a commitment and  I gave you wholeheartedly, the best and the ONLY gift I can give you –  my heart.

 I cannot  remember feeling uncertain or even  terrified  of entering married life with you.  Though I  knew firsthand the hardships I had  being with you the whole boyfriend-girlfriend relationship.  I haven’t learned my lesson from my past  relationships.   And now I am allowing myself to be in a much deeper, much intimate relationship with you…… The answer was right  in front of me,  every time you gave me your time.   Seeing your face and hearing your voice was what made me turn my back on the possibility that you just might be the next heartbreak chapter of my life. I made that jump because I knew we’re in it together.   Ohh,  reality gave me a slap on the face.  Even if you’re still here, we will not be together anymore.
As much as I’d like to just be “okay” with everything concerning what  happened to you and me ,  I can’t help but be sad over the fact that  everything in that 6 1/2 years was  a mess, a relationship full of deceit, more on a one-sided love, and entailed a lot of sacrifices on my part…  it’s not even something that can be called friendship, i was just an ornament….that’s what I realized……if you’re  still here, the reason for our separation isn’t because you died or because you cheated on me.   It’s simpler, you’re not the one for me, I deserve someone better.   I cannot even begin writing about how painful and potentially incapacitating it was waking up each day when i learned about your accident,  it was a shock to know that few days before our marriage you are gone…. but there are more important things. One of those “things” for example, is the TRUTH.This is the truth:  You never loved me  as much as I thought you did.   I have  loved you MORE, but maybe  it wasn’t  enough.  You had to find someone, but still maybe, her love was not that enough too….
This is the reason why this things had happen, so I  can be free.   My  only comfort in my suffering is in knowing that I will always do the right thing for anyone.  No matter how strong my feelings are for you, I  won’t take you, only if i had known better.  Or maybe not!  -It’s my love for you that was  not enough….  Yes, maybe not enough.  If  my love was enough, I would’ve been with you until the last second before you were brought down to the grave.  Maybe, things would’ve been like that.  But, no..it was hatred, it was not love that I  had for you until your last minute on earth….
Today, I was able to speak the thoughts I  have always kept…..and this year,  the best and the ONLY gift I can give you wholeheartedly  to where you are is my unconditional forgiveness.  With it,  I give you my sincere apologies for whatever inconvenience my existence  had also brought you…..
From this point on, I will be nothing but grateful of what  we had and the relationship that we shared, for I  learned a lot.  For after the hurt and the pain I  had from you, someone had found me. Someone that will love me unconditionally, someone who is loyal and true to me, and never will make me feel the hurt and pain I  had from you.    I know from time to time you will be on my mind, only to remind me that i had been strong all this years and now, i continue  to move on.
 I will pray for your soul.    I know you will be a part of my  life forever by being the lesson I will NEVER forget.  I will  now open my heart to life’s endless possibilities……I have forgiven you.  I have let you go. I won’t look back.

et cetera